Would you be YOUR friend

  A reader asked me, " How do I know if I am not being a good friend, I mean I don't have many. And how do I change that?"


First ask yourself  "Would you be your friend?" Think about it really hard. When the answer is "no" you probably already know why you wouldn't, so make those changes. As I told someone yesterday, it will not happen overnight! Get working on those things right away! The sooner you start, the sooner you accomplish the results.

I hear people often say they know they are not a good friend, and they are sorry. "Sorry" doesn't walk the dog. People get tired of "sorry" with repeated bad experiences. The REAL meaning of "sorry" is that you did not mean to do that and will not do it again, so if you are saying "sorry" for the same thing over and over, you are NOT sorry!


When there are a couple of close friends , or even one friend in your life, invite them out and ask them their thoughts on things. Tell them you really want honest answers and help. Tell them to be totally honest and frank, and LISTEN. DON'T argue. (Of course you don't think you are being a jerk, or you wouldn't be doing it). Just listen. Take notes , then thank them and think very hard about why they said. Have them give examples of situations if they can. Don't negate what they say. People's perception of you is their reality with you. Keep them as a friend and don't treat them any differently. You need that friend, and if you take suggestions you just may have a few more!

Work on those things. Honestly and truly WORK on them, because if you do not, you will go through "friends" like Kleenex. Make sure that you know the meaning of "friend" first. They are people who share with you, do things with you,help you, communicate with you, and think of you when fun stuff comes up. They invite you places, they call you just to chat. When disaster strikes they are there, in person, ready to help. They honestly tell you when they disagree with you or they feel that you have screwed up. They do it in a nice way, but they TELL you. Friendship is a two way street. Your phone may accept calls, but it sure dials out too.

When people don't bother with you, they don't want to be bothered with you. Make your changes and then put out the olive branch...."I know I wasn't a good friend, I have really been working on myself and would like to get back to being friends. How about we ________" (fill in the blank with something you know they would enjoy doing.)

Don't hold on to friends that you really don't like because you think they are a necessary evil. When you have friends through a group or group endeavor and need them for that, don't build up a "pseudo friendship", just because you "need" hands, or brains.....participate with them in that function, and then live the rest of your life separately. When you are so desperate that you need that girl who flirts with your partner; that person that doesn't know when to shut up; that angry confrontational person; that "Drama Mama" in your life, YOU have a problem. Dump them and MOVE ON. When you move troublesome people out of a group, usually several more nice people say "thank goodness those jerks are gone", and then they come and join in.

I have had to remove people from my life because they thought I was a free Magic Eight Ball. The only calls I would get from them were when they had a disaster and wanted free psychic information. That won't work with me. There are some people that do that, but my work tires me out at the end of the day, it will any good psychic or medium that puts themselves into their work wholeheartedly. I work 15 hours a day, I don't need "friends" asking for help all the time, at all odd hours, for free. I don't mind helping in disaster situations, but little issues become disasters to some people, and they think that it  is OK to relieve their anxiety by calling...at all odd hours, ringing me on both phones repeatedly...guess where that gets you???? This goes for anything that makes you a "super desirable" friend. Do you have money, power, influence, a foot in a door?? Don't allow people to use you, they AREN'T friends.

We have to weed our garden from time to time as I said (years ago now). It is OK to pull the weeds and plant new seeds. Sometimes people are not meant to be our best friends for life. They are just there for the interim. It is OK. When things fade away, allow them to fade away. When friends leave, only a jerk carries on like an idiot bad mouthing them, threatening them, and carrying on looking for attention. When you act like that, you don't need to even begin to ask why people walk away from you, it is patently obvious.

So to be a better friend, ask the people around you what you need to do better. Then do it. When there is no one to ask, the task is a little harder, but start with the "would I be my friend?" question and work out from there. When there is someone who has recently pulled away, ask them why. It is NOT up to them to tell you why they are pulling away, it is up to YOU to ask "what have I done wrong".

I accept friendships, I reject them. I sometimes even try to be friends with difficult people. It rarely works out for the long run, but I know that. I have even been friends for a while with people just because they were friends of friends. That doesn't always work out too, but that is OK! We are not here to be everyone's best friend forever. It is impossible. Be cordial to others, but you don't have to move them into your space, your heart, your plans, your life. Don't be desperate. Wait for the good ones for you come along. When you have problem people in your life, weed them out or tell them they are difficult. Maybe they will listen, maybe they will shut the door on you, either way, you benefit.

Would you be your friend?????




Peshaui Wequashimese




(C) 2013 Dr R M Wolf. May not be used, copied or reproduces without prior written permission.