How not to make people like you.

Yesterday was a day of people asking why they didn't have friends or a mate. They start off by giving what they think are the reasons, and those are very telling. They will regale you with how wonderful they are. The qualities they list tell you a lot about them and what is important to them.

When they don't have friends it is because those things that drive us can be over the top. Some people don't just do well at work or school, they excel, but not in a humble, hard working way. It is more along the lines of an invasion, a tromping of the competition and then a gloating, followed by a constant reiteration of how wonderful they are. Then we want to know why no one hangs with us around the water cooler or locker......Really?

Then there are the ones who had personal tragedies. We all heal in our own time, but when every time people see you or a certain situation comes up, they hear about when you had your surgery, your house burned down, your sister lost her infant baby, your husband died and left you penniless, your husband left you for that (insert nasty adjectives here) people get sick of the downer story . People cannot avoid conversations and about divorce, children, money, or accidents just because you are in the room. The "Oh woe is me" crap gets old REAL fast.

One ranted about the newspaper and missing people stories, her family member is missing, that is so very sad, but that means the local newspaper has to stop printing missiong person's stories??? Really?  They bother you?  DON'T READ THEM. People don't care to listen to ranting, crying and a diatribe about reopened wounds. When they keep reopening like that, you need COUNSELING. You will eventually have no friends, they feel sorry for you, but when you are a downer all the time, they won't want to be around you. People cannot constantly walk on eggshells trying to keep in mind what issues everyone in the room has, we would have to ban all conversations!

Then there was a person who was upset as when she went to parties someone always brought a food she was allergic to. She went on and on about how they could kill her. PULEEZE, when you have allergies that bad, eat before going, watch everything you put in your mouth. I have a food allergy that makes me very ill, none of my friends have made me sick , and apparently haven't killed me yet....But when you go to parties and tell everyone off about what food they brought, don't wonder why you don't get invited anymore. Did you really want to go? Of course you did, it gives you an audience to rant at!

Another person demands her boyfriends have a certain standing financially (this is a hot topic lately). That includes amount of investments, savings, credit score, earnings (there is a minimum for each), type of vehicle, and size home. Let me tell you about successful men who have those things...they don't allow a woman to tell them they have to have something, or a certain level or rating. They are independent, successful and strong and will find a pretty, sweet woman who thanks them for everything they give them, not a woman who has every gift appraised. The woman who says she was more and he has to make it to past her level, will be left lonely.

Friends, real friends are not people who you see at weekly functions , or are on your Facebook list. They are people that have been to your home, and you to theirs. They have laughed with you, cried with you, and know all about your story so you don't have to tell it to them ad nauseam. They hear things from you other than complaints, and they certainly don't hear the same complaint over and over. They are careful about your feelings, but do not wrap you in bubble wrap and sit you on 10 mattresses like the Princess in the The Princess and The Pea.

There are tragedies in every life. You don't always hear about people's tragedies, as some choose not to share them, and others know that sharing them constantly doesn't help, nor does it make people want to be around you. The world is not going to change for you just because you had something bad happen to you.That is not our job, God's job, the media's job, or your spouse's job. It is YOUR job. Everything happens for a reason, even bad things do. Every time. We need to deal with them, and move on. Some move on by being able to tuck it away, others move on by establishing altruistic organizations that help others faced with the same tragedy. Whining about it, does absolutely nothing productive. When the hurt just won't go away, you need help with that, and there is nothing wrong with getting counseling. You will be happier and the people around you will be happier.

When you want to know why you have no friends, partner, or anyone period in your life, then look hard at yourself. Are you scaring them away? Do you ramble on about your terrible thing that happened to you, compete with them to the virtual death, complain constantly about how nothing is good enough? Do you use your friends instead of being a friend?

The world is not here to pamper you. You are solely responsible for your happiness. You have choices always, you may not like them, but you do need to deal with them. People have compassion, but when that compassion is requested every time a situation comes up, it is time for you to learn how to not need that constant compassion.

There are people in wheelchairs playing basketball, and women with no arms taking care of their kids. There are millions of people missing family members due to unnecessary deaths like being the victims of drunk drivers. God isn't punishing you, he is challenging you, and when you do nothing but whine, you fail at the challenge.

People say "walk in my shoes", that works for a short while, then it becomes....if those shoes suck so much, why do you keep wearing them and complaining about them? Change them, and EVERY situation can be dealt with and changed.That is a cop out. We can feel your pain, but that doesn't mean we need to swim in it. Compassion doesn't mean enabling you to be a person who does nothing by cry their life away and wanting everyone else to do something to change it. YOU change it, or don't wonder why you have no one around you anymore. When you know you are hard to like, change what it is about you that makes you hard to like. All these people realized they were hard to like, but wanted others to change and adapt and like them. It doesn't work that way.

We all have bootstraps to pull ourselves up by.......do it, you will be amazed how much better you will feel and how many people come around to congratulate you!

Put on your big girl panties and deal! (Roz Van Meter)


Peshaui Wequashimese



(C)2012 Dr. R M Wolf. May not be used, copied or reproduced without prior written permission