How long is too long?

I have had a few clients lately who are frustrated with slow relationships. Let me first say that some of them think that the time from meeting to marriage should be no more than a year. That is not a slow relationship, by any means.That is speed marriage.

The pace of the relationship depends on the people involved and their situations. Maybe they need to finish school first, take care of aging parents, pay off a huge debt, get a child through college, and more. There are tons of people out there who think that if they aren't married,or married quickly, life will end. How very not true.

Rushing headlong into a relationship , just to be in a relationship, is a recipe for disaster. I have also said this many times before, if you want quality, you need to be quality. Have your act together to get a person who has their act together. People do not come into our lives to "do" for us. They come in to be partners and to get love, friendship, and a life of happiness, and to give it.
Some people need time, you have to judge that by the person and situation. Some guys just aren't ready to commit. That doesn't mean they don't love you, they just know that being married right now would be uncomfortable or downright miserable for them, and disastrous for your relationship. When they say they aren't ready...DON'T PUSH. You will find yourself alone, and it may be after wasting a few grand on a wedding where the marriage was shorter than the reception.

Marriage does not make a person more loving, more devoted, stop cheating, or be around more. Many think marriages fix bad relationships, all they do is turn bad relationships in to bad marriages and hence good divorces.

Partners are not there to take us on vacation and buy us things. They are not there to pay our bills. When we allow ourselves to be "bought" we literally prostitute ourselves. It is OK to have a partner of better means that can do for us, but if the reason you chose that particular partner is because they have "things" and take you on vacation, your relationship will eventually crash and burn.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and people panic into hooking up with some loser so they "won't be alone". So what if you are alone. I mean , really? will you die? Will you starve? Will the roof over your head collapse? No, and don't pin your self esteem on another person's liking you or not.Having good self esteem is a way of making sure you DON'T pick the losers, the ones who buy you, and most seriously, the ones who will abuse you.

The recipe for finding a great partner?

Get your act together.

Work on yourself and be the best person you can be.

When a relationship isn't working, walk away, changing the other person is NOT an option. 

Give it time. The healthy average for meet up to marriage is 2-3 years.

Don't limit yourself (I will only date professional men; blondes; musicians; older people), and if you are so stuck on those limits, again , find out why and FIX IT.

Don't get married or into a relationship because your biological clock is ticking.

Don't get into a relationship for ANY of the wrong reasons, like having someone to help pay bills; having someone to help with the kids; having someone to cure your loneliness.

When you pick a string of losers, find out why. Most likely you have low self esteem. 

When you have had a bunch of great partners and they all walk away, find out what is wrong with YOU.

Marriage is not a fairy tale, it is best friends who are loyal and honest, working together to make each other happy every day. When both put 100% into it, it is a beautiful thing.

When you have a healthy relationship , it is a relationship. That means TWO people giving and taking. Sharing, Being there for each other. It helps if you are best friends besides.

When you have a bad relationship, or the person is with someone, it is NOT your soulmate. I am so tired of the soulmate word. It is a relatively new word, created to describe a perfect partner. It was then made into a metaphsyical word (and has NO basis in reality as a metaphysical entity as a lover) . A soulmate in the metaphysical sense, is in reality the person in our lives that is the giver of the most important life lessons at that time. It could be a teacher, sister, brother, mother, friend, boss. It is not and will never will be, a person we are "supposed to be with" in a romantic sense. There RARELY are people we are "supposed to be with", and those times are when we are to work our Karma. Karma and relationships aren't a good combination.The "soulmate" word sells books (well it used to, it is pretty worn out by now), but it doesn't solve relationship issues.


Please don't look for love on line. I know they have great commercials, but limited success. They can boast "marriages" but how many last more than a year or so? There are so many people on line who are there because no one where they live will go near them. There are also scammers, catfish, and more. People have been assaulted, raped and even killed by people they found online. I know that happens in the real world too, but the online community is FULL of people looking to see what they can get and be as anonymous as possible. Many online dating sites are full of people who are in relationships up to and including marriages, and they say they are single.

There are so many "bad people" out there playing games. Enough so that there are now websites dedicated to exposing the dating site creeps. It has made talk show headlines also:

http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1963/


Love happens. You can't make it happen. You cannot make another person love you. Don't rush into anything, this isn't a race, and if you have had years of failure, it is time to start looking in that harsh mirror again.

And as I always say: DO the right things for the right reasons.



Peshaui Wequashimese



(C)2013 Dr. R M Wolf. May not be used, copied or reproduced without prior written permission.