Passive Aggressive relationships...leave them.

Many times there are people who call about their relationships who do not understand why they don't go well. They think that they are managing them well, the problem is that they feel like they have to manage them at all.

The key to a good relationship does not lie in making a person do something that you want them to do and they do not. Trickery, blackmail, ultimatums and abuse will never get you what you want in the long run. These tactics may work for a short period of time, but never for the long term result.

Then there are those who do this in a more subtle way, the passive aggressive personalities. Passive aggressive disorder is serious and is listed in the DSM II. It is serious. People can act passive aggressive in certain situations, or be that way all the time. Neither is good, but "all the time" makes them impossible to deal with. It is a disorder where people act aggressively or in a hostile manner and try to disguise it as passivity. This is seen quite frequently in interpersonal relationships and in the workplace.

A good example is a person who acts like they are joking when they say hurtful, hateful things. When you say something to them about their hurtful comments they smile and say something along the lines of  "Oh my you took me seriously!? I was just kidding, don't be so sensitive!". Meanwhile their way of striking back at you, is to make nasty comments which they really do feel. They WANT to jab at you, but don't have the courage to admit it, or do it outwardly.

They speak cryptically, make promises they never keep, and never intended to. They just don't want to face you and say "no". They "forget" things that they don't want to do. They fear competition, so are jealous, and will sabotage meetings with friends or anyone they see as competition. For example, if you are supposed to go out that night with a friend, they will suddenly not feel well and need your help, when in fact there is nothing wrong with them. The discussion on where you are going and how they feel about it, won't be had because that is the "passive" part of things, it is too difficult for them. Yet, they need to stop you , and will (aggressive behavior), so they "get sick" or hurt. They don't like your behavior so they tell your spouse, parent, or boss instead of talking to you directly. They play the victim, they procrastinate and they pout. They attack about ex's new partners in a joking manner saying she is "fat" or "ugly", then laugh about it as if it were all a joke, when it is not. They are people that you will constantly struggle with, and they are people that go through relationships like clean underwear!

When you are in any situation with a passive aggressive person, get out. They can get help , there is therapy, but there is no "cure". They rarely want to go to therapy and change, and that needs to be the first step towards getting a better handle on things. Therapists can try to help them learn new behavior, but what frequently happens is they use the therapist and the tools they are given for change, as weapons. They have a hard time working in teams and frequently lose their job.

When you are acting this way, and you all know who you are, stay out of relationships until you can get a handle on things. The energy around passive aggressive people is scattered , and confused. It never amounts to good, just chaos. You can't fix them , they control you. They will never talk to you about a problem, just change things so they are comfortable and everyone else be dammed. When I see this behavior, I move on.

I know a few passive aggressive people who think they are just strong people, they are strong all right, but in an inappropriate manner. Real strength is NEVER used inappropriately.

DO the right things for the right reasons.
DO unto others.....


Peshaui Wequashimese



(C)2012 Dr R M Wolf, may not be used, copied or reproduced without prior written permission