Monday, November 12, 2012

Win the battle or the war

I know why people have bad relationships.Ego. I instructed a client how to save their marriage. I gave them two easy things to do. Very easy things. They did neither. Now the mess, instead of being smaller is bigger.

Why weren't the two easy steps taken? Because it was more important to them to twist the knife and get revenge than to save the marriage. It was more important to have the last word, to declare their hurt (even though I told them time for that was LATER), than to reach the goal they wanted, that being saving the marriage.

People have a bad habit of winning the battle to lose the war. Letting someone believe you are going to get a divorce when you have no intention of doing so, is CRUEL. The sweet revenge that happened for 5 days will now lose the marriage. It is over, there was a chance to save it, and that chance is gone, just so someone could try to make a point and twist the knife.

The other partner had even planned something nice and the culprit here made them cancel it. That was the death knell. It is over, for what, a few days of smug satisfaction.

You have to decide in times like this, do I want to make a point, or do I want to save the marriage?  Both wasn't an option, and "making a point" became more important, it shouldn't have , but it did.  The point wasn't made and the marriage is going to self destruct.

There are times when you have to step back and wait for the right moment to win the war, not the battle. Battle is about ego. War can be too, but sometimes when there is a difference that needs to be addressed, we have to do it logically and systematically, not emotionally.

Better yet, be around people and situations as much as possible where there is no battle and there is no war. That way you will never have to decide.

Peshaui Wequashimese

(C)Dr R M Wolf. May not be used, copied or reproduced without prior written permission.

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