Making people feel guilty, is abuse.

Good day everyone! Hope that you all had a good weekend. Ours was wonderful, and we are looking forward to the Christmas vacation.

I did take clients over the long weekend. Holiday weekends are the worst time for many of them. They have issues with friends and family. They have issues with work, and some have issues with having extra time on their hands. The biggest "issue" I have found is that people have this archetype of a holiday. I don't know if it is too many Saturday Evening Post pictures or the movies , but they think that if they do not spend the holiday with a crowd of loved ones, they are some how a failure.

First of all, you should (unless there are hundreds of miles between you), see people that you really want to spend time with as often as possible. Not just on the holidays. The other side of that is, if a friend of family member never drops in, never makes arrangements to see you, or visits throughout the year, take the hint. I have clients who have "significant others" , that they have been in a "relationship" with, that they have never met face to to face, and the relationship has been going on for months, and sometimes years. That isn't a real relationship. Move on!

There is a flip side, there is no need for family members to spend holidays with family. Yes you heard that right. So many people use the holidays as vacation time, down time, "me" time. They need a break. They don't want to spend all day traveling, or hundreds of dollars they may not have. Maybe they just want to do things , or need the time to do things, that they normally would not. When you really love a person, you want to see them happy, and if that means they spend Thanksgiving alone hiking in the mountains, then you should be happy for them.

The absolute WORST thing to do , is to try to make people feel guilty. That is selfish, abusive, manipulative and rude. When you have to manipulate and guilt someone into seeing you, then YOU have a problem. Not the person who refuses to be manipulated. Maybe they don't want to come around you because are manipulative or make them feel guilty. Some people put the "fun" in dysfunctional, many don't. Time with them is depressing, aggravating, and frustrating.Not the best way to spend a holiday. Your mate, children, friends and other family members don't have a job description that says "you are required to make so and so feel better by visiting them on the holidays".

When a significant other spends time with you on a holiday, it usually means something, It sends a signal of serious intent , of a promise of things to come. It is not a guarantee, but a vested interest in the relationship. When they do not spend the holidays with you , it doesn't mean they don't care, it means that they may not be ready to sign on the dotted line yet.

People put WAY too much significance into the holidays as a day that you are required to be somewhere. You aren't required to be anywhere but where you want to be. When you , and all your loved ones are close by, then sharing from house to house is a wonderful idea, but families are scattered all over the world today. You can't be at Grandma's in Florida, your children's a few towns away, and the home of your significant other in town, all at the same time, nor should you. There is not a rule saying "you must spend every holiday with family", or "you must spend every holiday with your new boyfriend". These demands that others put on people create a holiday mess instead of a wonderful, fun, joyous time.

Don't worry about anyone else. Worry about where you feel you WANT to be. A bunch of people running all over creation to be where they do not want to be, is ridiculous. It may make my phone ring , but it doesn't make people happy. Decide where you want to go, or if a couple, where you both want to go. Matt and I are seriously thinking about spending Christmas in Sedona sometime soon. We leave it up to the kids if they want to go there or not, but I am sure they will want to...I may never be able to get them, or Matt,  to leave, but we do understand that what holidays are about, is spending time with people you like, not are required to love but like, and like spending time with. It is about enjoying YOUR holiday, not making other people feel better about themselves. You can love you brother, but not be able to tolerate a half an hour in a room with him. Just because you were born to the same mother does not require you to spend days together just because it is a holiday.

You are also NOT required to spend time with people who are troubled or abusive, just because it is a holiday. When people are violent, or verbally, mentally or emotionally abusive, when they guilt you into showing up, when they treat you or your partner like crap when you are there, then DON'T BE THERE.

There is no rule or law, man made or God made that says you have to spend holidays with any specific person. Spend your holidays happily this Christmas, not by suffering through it, but by being where you want to be, and if that is in Bermuda, so be it! If you are a person who guilts others into being with you, knock it off and find out what it is about you that makes them NOT want to be around you. When you decide to fix it, you may have more friends, and visits. Accept that people may want to go and do things, and be places that you don't want to, but none of you are the supreme ultimate being. None of you deserve to have a child, friend, significant other, be with you on a holiday.

And for goodness sakes, do not mail a plane ticket to someone and expect to guilt them into using it. There are a few folks that lost the cost of an airline ticket this past weekend, and they aren't cheap these days.

  It isn't all about you, even on the holidays. It is about being where are heart is, not where another human tells us we need to be.

Lose the holidays "guilts", there is no reason to allow another person to make you feel badly about how you spend your holidays!

ENJOY life!


Peshaui Wequashimese




(C) 2011 Dr. R M Wolf, may not be used, copied or reproduced without prior written permission.